


We Seek Refuge in the Passage of Time

by katieh28



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Protective Gideon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-07 11:19:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12840063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katieh28/pseuds/katieh28
Summary: A new case brings back dark memories for Spencer, and after it ends he just wants to bury them and forget, or try to forget like he always does.Gideon doesn't let him.





	We Seek Refuge in the Passage of Time

"Reid." 

Gideon looked on, his dark eyes weary as he watched Spencer continue to stare out the window. His unyielding gaze remained on the clouds passing by, seemingly completely unaware that Jason was trying to speak to him. 

He'd been like this for hours, Jason noted, completely removed from the outside world, likely trapped inside his own head. Something he knew all too well that Spencer was quite prone too. 

The plane ride from Mexico had been unbearably long, even for Gideon, but it wasn't like Reid to be so completely unfocused. Gideon watched as Spencer bit his lip, his hazel eyes stormy, and Gideon could practically see the pain bubbling underneath the surface. 

Gideon was about to call his name again from across the table, but before he had the chance Morgan was coming over, slapping Reid's shoulder. 

"Hey Pretty Boy, you've been quiet," Derek said cheerfully. "What's going on in that genius head of yours? It's been 6 hours on this plane and I have yet to hear even one completely unnecessary statistic." 

Reid looked up, slightly startled. He gave a forced, tight smile. "Just tired is all," he muttered. Gideon inhaled sharply, noticing his usually soft spoken agent was even more quiet than usual. He could barely even hear Spencer when he spoke. 

Morgan just shrugged, giving Gideon an effortless smile. Gideon tried to return the look, but he was sure that Morgan could see through his concern. 

"Alright, Reid, You get some sleep then. There'll be plenty of time to be a living breathing dictionary when we land I guess," he said, giving Reid's shoulder a squeeze as he started to walk back to his seat. All at once, a confused look came over his face, and he gave Spencer a look of concern. 

"Morgan? You okay?" Spencer asked. Morgan had frozen right in the middle of the aisle, his brow furrowed in confusion. 

"...Yeah, yeah," Morgan said, giving an laugh that was probably meant to come off as casual. To Gideon's ears, it just sounded nervous. 

Worried, even. 

"...Damn, Spencer, you're getting thin," Morgan said, his eyebrows raising. "...You get any more skeletal and I'm gonna have to start calling you Skinny Boy instead of Pretty Boy." 

Reid attempted to laugh, tugging at his shirtsleeve. 

"...Don't lose any more weight, okay kid?" Morgan said, giving Spencer a meaningful look. 

Spencer couldn't meet his eyes. He fiddled with the gold watch he always wore around his slim wrist. 

"I wasn't trying to," Spencer whispered, his voice raspy. "...It just kind of happened." 

Morgan just nodded, his expression thoughtful. He only stood there for a moment, seemingly deep in thought before appearing to snap out of it, shaking his head as he gave Spencer a warm smile. 

"Okay Spencer," He said, fondly mussing up his already messy hair before leaving. Reid laughed, and Gideon was grateful it seemed to be genuine. 

For a moment, at least, he was free from the storm. 

"...Just don't forget to take care of yourself kid." 

Gideon watched Morgan walk back to his seat for a moment, and he couldn't help but smile to himself. 

Back when Reid had first joined the bureau, Gideon honestly had no clue how the team would react to him. To say that Reid could be a bit of an acquired taste was an understatement: for all the kid's good qualities, his lack of social skills and just the fact that he was so damn young made Gideon worry if the team would ever truly accept him. 

Much to his surprise, the team not only accepted Spencer...they embraced him. Sure, it had been a little rocky at first. The kid was the smartest person in the room always, and he let people know that. Some of the veterans on the team, Morgan in particular, hadn't been too fond of the baby-faced newbie constantly correcting them and showing them up. 

But then, a funny thing happened. 

They saw through to his heart. 

 Underneath it all, their youngest agent was a good kid. 

A good _man._

Gideon sat back in his seat, trying to recline a bit, and his eyes were once again drawn to Spencer. Reid was disturbingly still, his eyes still dark, his mouth stuck in a tight scowl. 

Gideon sighed. 

The storm had returned. 

He thought about just giving Reid some space, he knew sometimes the kid only needed time to process things emotionally. 

Gideon considered it, and then he went deeper, became the profiler that he was. Then he saw the shadows under the kids eyes, the chewed fingernails, the one too many lines on his face that hadn't been there yesterday. 

Gideon took a deep breath. 

"Reid." 

Reid blinked owlishly, his large eyes startled before coming in to focus on Gideon. He gave his superior a sheepish grin. 

"Gideon? Is it time for our game already?" Reid asked, looking perplexed. 

"Uh, no Spencer," Gideon said. "This is not about chess." 

"Oh, alright," Spencer replied. 

"It's about what happened back there in Chilpancingo." 

Reid's frown only deepened. "What do you mean?" 

"...This case," Gideon said, his brown eyes laser-focused but his voice soft. "...It got to you, didn't it?" 

Reid's pulled his jacket over him, covering himself with it. "...All of the cases affect me to some level, Gideon." 

"Victor Cespedes," Gideon said. Reid's hands balled into fists. 

"...What about him?" he asked weakly, his eyes glued to the table. 

Gideon waited until he was absolutely certain that Reid's eyes were on his. 

"...It wasn't right, what happened to him." 

Reid's eyes darted to the window then, but Gideon didn't miss the way his chin wobbled, even if only for a moment. 

"...You're right," Reid said, unshed tears beginning to prick his eyes.

"...it wasn't." 

Gideon nodded, clasping his hands on the table. He sat back, giving his agent space, but not for a moment thinking of leaving the table. 

Gideon looked around the plane then. Everyone else seemed to be asleep, even Morgan who had been restless earlier seemed to be conking out. JJ looked like she might still be semi-conscious, not quite in the same rhythm of peace as the rest of them were. But she looked relaxed at least, and for that he was grateful. 

Reid, however, hadn't dared to sleep not even once during the whole flight. Not even once did the storm behind his eyes allow him to rest. 

Gideon was not going to leave him tonight. No chance in Hell. 

He glanced back to his youngest agent then. Spencer appeared to be struggling to say something; Gideon could practically see the words on the tip of his tongue. 

Gideon gave him his full attention. That was all he could do. 

Spencer struggled for a moment more before clearing his throat. 

"...Victor Cespedes..." Reid said quietly. 

Finally, he looked into Gideon's eyes. 

"...I empathized with him." 

 Gideon nodded slowly. "...And why do you think that is?" 

Spencer fidgeted in his seat. Gideon saw that he was playing with the jacket in his lap, folding and unfolding the cuffs like clockwork. 

Spencer paused only a moment before answering. 

"...I understand it." 

"Understand what?" Gideon asked. 

Spencer gave Gideon a meaningful look, and again Gideon was reminded of how young Spencer truly looked, the fragile sensitivity behind his eyes. 

"...What he was feeling...I understand that. I get it." 

Gideon got a feeling something like nausea in the pit of his stomach. 

Jason had figured that this was where Reid was going with it, but to hear that he identified with Cespedes...

Gideon felt his heart break for Reid in that moment, suddenly realizing just what his agent was telling him. 

Cespedes had been the last victim in their case, the only one who had gotten away with his life thanks to Hotch and JJ's quick thinking. It had been an admittedly gruesome case; a killer with a homoerotic fixation on only straight men and a severe case of low self esteem who killed any and all men who rejected him, strangling them to death. There had been dozens of victims, but the one that had torn at his heart the most had been Victor Cespedes, a 15 year old boy that Cruz hadn't gotten the chance to kill. The boy had been saved from Cruz but not before the damage had been done; Cruz had sexually assaulted him and choked him before the agents could get there. Gideon had tried to tell the team that they had done good, but it was hard to believe seeing the dead look in Cespedes' eyes as they carted him off to the ambulance. Gideon had seen that look before many times. Hopelessness. 

Gideon looked up to face Reid, and he was immediately overcome with a surge of protectiveness. Reid was eyeing him with uncertainty, his brow furrowed with worry as though Gideon might judge him for what he just revealed. 

"...You're not saying anything." Reid said cautiously, his voice a whisper. 

Gideon suddenly found himself fighting back tears of anger. Something horrible happens to Reid, and of course he's only worried about how it affects others. 

The kid didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve anything that had happened to him, not Tobias Hankel and certainly not  _this...._

Gideon took a deep breath, forcing himself to keep it together. He had to, for Reid's sake. 

God knows the kid needed someone right now. 

"...No, I'm not saying anything," Gideon said softly, his voice firm but gentle. "...I'm only hear to listen." 

Reid looked at Gideon then like he was seeing him for the first time, his eyes radiating a hesitant gratitude. 

"...I've always wanted to tell you...especially during cases like this. I've thought about talking about it in the past...." Reid mumbled, seeming to struggle with his words. "...I just...I just don't know." 

Gideon nodded, understanding. "When you're ready...I'm here. I'm always here, Spencer." 

Reid gave him a watery smile, his eyes bright with unshed tears. 

Slowly he nodded, lingering a moment before turning his attention back towards the window. 

 

 

Four hours and they would be home. 

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

"I know you've seen my scar, Gideon." 

Gideon blinked, his agent's voice startling him back to consciousness. With tired eyes he looked around to see everyone still asleep; he must not have been out for long himself. He must've just dozed off, the stress of the past few days finally catching up to him. 

He rubbed his eyes then and forced himself to look over at Spencer, who by now looked more pale and exhausted then he could remember. The shadows under his eyes were only becoming darker and more pronounced. 

Gideon forced himself to snap out of it, sitting up straighter in his seat. 

"...You're a profiler, Gideon, and a highly skilled one at that." 

Gideon only raised his eyebrows, listening intently. 

"...I know you've noticed, and I know you've wondered." 

Gideon gave a tight smile at that. As dark as the situation was, he couldn't help but be amused that his agent knew him so well. 

"...A scar on the chin, typically the result of blunt force trauma of some kind," he said as he stared at Reid from across the table, his face impassive. "Usually seen in cases of accidents, vehicular collisions, physical violence and abuse." 

Reid chuckled to himself. "I see I'm not the only one who does my research." 

Gideon smiled. "When it comes to my agents, you better believe I do." 

Reid looked over at Gideon then, completely overwhelmed by the care and concern he saw in the older man's eyes. It was almost enough to break his heart. He knew Gideon had always been protective of him, and what he was about to say would likely upset him horribly. 

Reid took a deep breath, a distant look in his eyes as he turned his attention back towards the window. 

"...I got it when I was 13." 

Gideon's chest felt tight, thinking how young Spencer must have looked, how innocent he must have been. 

Spencer fidgeted with his watch yet again. "I was, uh, walking home from school late. I had stayed in the library until almost 10 that night, I remember. Sometimes the librarians would give me the keys after they went home so I could stay all night and just lock up when I was done." 

Gideon smiled to himself, the image all too easy to picture. 

"...and, uh, home was a 23 and a half minute walk from school, so sometimes I did use shortcuts...many of them were through unsavory neighborhoods," Reid sighed, closing his eyes. "...Las Vegas is not the safest place to be at night." 

Gideon nodded. "And certainly not for a 13 year old, walking home alone in the dark," he said, his eyes sympathetic. 

"...As I was saying," Spencer said, his voice wavering, "I would use these shortcuts to get home some nights, just so I wouldn't have to go through all the back roads." 

Spencer paused for a moment, staring down as he twiddled his thumbs in his lap. 

"...One of those shortcuts was past a nightclub." 

Spencer was quiet again, and Gideon noticed he was again struggling with words. 

"...It makes sense," Gideon said. "...There are tons of nightclubs and bars in Vegas. It'd be nearly impossible to avoid them all, right?" 

Gideon didn't even know if Spencer heard him; he only continued to stare down at his hands. 

Finally and not without difficulty, he took a breath. 

"...I was only 9 minutes from home when I passed that nightclub," Spencer said, his voice unusually quiet. "I was just cutting through...but...I made a mistake." 

"You made a mistake?" 

Spencer gave a sad smile. "...Do you know the most common place where victims of muggings or assaults are attacked?" 

Gideon only shook his head. "You know I don't, Reid." 

Spencer laughed quietly, but it was forced. "Aside from the majority of whom are assaulted in their own homes....34% of victims are attacked in dark alleys." 

Gideon frowned. Spencer always tried to use his intelligence and his facts to cover up pain and vulnerability. It was just so _Reid_   that it was painful to watch. 

And now he was using it to protect him from what could possibly be the most traumatic event of his life. 

Gideon saw Spencer was freezing up now, his brow furrowed deep in thought. 

"...You were in an alley that night." 

Spencer looked up, snapping out of his momentary haze. 

Hesitantly, he nodded. Gideon could see more clearly than ever the tears stinging at his eyes. 

"The alley behind the nightclub. There was- there was a man there," Spencer said, his voice cracking. "I- I didn't see him, it was so dark- I didn't see him until he was attacking me." 

Gideon watched, his heart breaking all over again as Spencer crossed his arms, hunching over, his eyes practically swimming with tears now. 

"He, uh- he did something," Spencer said, his voice shaking as his face crumpled, any semblance of stoicism completely gone. 

At that, Gideon's heart completely shattered. The way that Spencer's voice cracked, the way his shoulders shook...Gideon knew what happened in that alley that night. Just the thought of it made his chest tight, and for a moment he wasn't sure he was still breathing. 

Gideon took a deep breath, reminding himself to stay calm once again. Spencer needed that. This was about Spencer, not him. But God, his heart ached for the boy, for all the suffering he'd been through. 

When he looked back to Reid, his eyes were stormy. Gideon could practically see the gears turning in his head, reliving his most painful memories. 

Finally, Spencer cleared his throat. His voice was weak as he spoke again. 

"...But he didn't get to do much," Spencer said, his face suddenly turning red.

Slowly, hesitantly, he whispered out the words he'd been trying to say. 

"I-uh...I bit him." 

Gideon took in the deep look of discomfort and shame on Spencer's face, and God, he really wanted to kill the sonofabitch who thought it was okay to force himself on young innocent boys. 

"...I thought he'd definitely go down after that, but- he just got so angry," Spencer said, his lip beginning to quiver. "He- he put his hands around my neck...he tried to choke me." 

Spencer bit his lip, and Gideon could see he was quickly losing composure. Gideon kept his expression as calm and reassuring as possible. He knew Spencer needed to get this off his chest, and for that he needed someone he could trust to talk to. Gideon had to be that person. 

"...I eventually got away, he was heavily intoxicated and I was able to push him off me," Spencer said. Suddenly he closed his eyes, a deep scowl coming across his face. "...but not before he hit me." 

Gideon's blood boiled as he saw Spencer reach up to run his finger across the long, deep scar to the right of his chin. 

"...I was in the hospital for a while. I had to have my jaw wired shut," Reid said softly. "...I couldn't eat solid foods for over a month...it was frightening." 

Gideon looked at Spencer, his eyes heavy with concern. "I imagine it would be frightening," he said slowly, carefully. "...That's the kind of ordeal that can continue to haunt you for years....decades." 

Spencer rubbed at his thin forearm, his expression frighteningly vulnerable. He sniffled a little, and Gideon quickly handed him a tissue. 

Spencer started to dab the tissue at his eye but soon froze, pulling it away. 

"Oh great," he said, giving a dark chuckle. "Now I'm crying." 

Gideon sighed, feeling horribly inadequate all of a sudden. Here he was, given the knowledge that his youngest agent had been sexually assaulted as a boy, and he had absolutely no idea what to do. He wanted nothing but to go over there and put his arms around the kid, to comfort him in any way he knew how, but he knew Reid was skittish and he doesn't process emotions well. Gideon honestly didn't know what to do, but he saw that his agent was hurting and that terrified him. 

"...Morgan didn't cry...and what happened to him was a lot worse than what happened to me," Spencer said, his smile heartbreaking. "You must think I'm so...weak." 

Gideon shook his head fervently. "Spencer...I think you're by far the strongest person we have on this team." 

Spencer gave him a look of bewilderment before laughing bitterly. "The strongest person on this team? Yeah, right." 

Gideon waited until Spencer stopped laughing before he looked into the boy's eyes, trying to communicate every ounce of faith and pride and confidence he had for the boy in his own brown eyes. "Spencer, when you first came to the BAU, I honestly didn't know if you were going to make it past week one." 

Reid sat back in his chair for a moment, his eyes wide. 

"...You were so smart, incredibly smart, you knew absolutely everything about everything...but you couldn't handle the emotional side of things. You hid behind numbers and figures and statistics so no one would ever have to see the real you." 

At that, Spencer dropped his gaze, his cheeks turning red once again. 

Suddenly, Gideon reached across the table, putting his hand on Spencer's shoulder. 

"And then, a funny thing happened. You started to let people in. You opened up to the team, and you let yourself feel things, and yeah, sometimes you broke down and sometimes you got emotional. But Spencer," Gideon said, giving Reid's shoulder a squeeze. "...all of that doesn't make you weak. If anything, it takes strength to be able to feel the level of pain that you did without trying to hide from it. I'm proud of you Spencer, and I truly could not be any more impressed by how strong you've become."  

For the first time that day, Gideon saw something similar to a genuine smile grace the boy's lips. 

"...You're...proud? Of me?" he said, his eyebrows drawn together. Almost like it was too impossible to believe. 

Gideon gave Spencer a watery smile. 

"You have no idea how proud of you I am, Spencer," he said, his eyes beginning to well up with tears. 

"...It's been an absolute privilege to watch you become the man you are today....you're the reason I've stayed with the BAU as long as I have." 

Spencer looked at his superior then, his eyes sparkling with gratitude. 

"...Spencer," Gideon said, his own voice beginning to shake. "I want you to know...I don't think any less of you from what you've told me today. I'll never view you as weak or in need of protecting. I've seen how strong you are, and what you've told me today only reinforces what I already knew." 

Gideon gave Spencer's thin shoulder one more squeeze before reaching his hand away, his eyes locked on the hazel ones staring back at him. 

"...I also want you to know...I'm here for you, Spencer. I know that you don't need my help, and you probably don't want it. I know you can handle anything this job throws at you on your own. But that doesn't mean you have to," Gideon said, his voice soft. "Anytime you need someone to talk to...I'm here." 

Reid furiously blinked back tears, giving his superior a tiny smile as he wiped his eyes with his jacket sleeve. 

"...Thank you, Gideon," he said, his voice raspy but his eyes radiant. The shadows underneath his eyes, at least for a moment, seemed to disappear. 

"...Just....thank you." 

Gideon nodded, and just like that, it was over. 

Reid returned to staring out the plane window. He looked tired, Gideon noted, but the deep scowl had finally disappeared from his lips, the light returning to his eyes. 

Gideon smiled fondly to himself, sitting back in his seat.  

Gideon finally allowed himself to close his eyes, for once having a dreamless sleep, a sleep without tossing and turning, without nightmares. 

And so he finally felt himself drift off completely, feeling the deep pull of sleep grasping onto him, and for once he felt nothing like guilt or fear...only peace.

 

 

In a few hours, he would be home. 

 

 

 

 


End file.
